Oscars 2012

Morgan Freeman is fantastic. I’ll let any award show open with a monologue by Morgan. Great handoff to Billy. Billy in a white bow tie that is. We call that “channeling sub-fusc” where I spent the last year (University of Oxford). Google it. It’s classy. The white tie event is rarely used these days, but Billy would fit right in at an Oxford exam or Commemeration Ball.

The toughest difference between the Academy Awards and the Grammys is most everyone hears all of the songs but not everyone sees all of the movies. Even jokes in the opening scene can be difficult to follow because one has to have to seen the movie to get the joke. Maybe there should be an Academy Awards of movies most played on cable TV. Then the viewing audience will be so much more clued in.

Thanks to Billy for highlighting James Earl Jones for being there and his speech in Field of Dreams – what a speech. Baseball is the one constant.

There is Spielberg – what project isn’t he involved in these days. His personal worth will shock you. $3 billion. B. Billion. You know where that gets you on the Forbes richest list – 376. My yet unborn children will talk only about billionaires, not millionaires. Millionaires will be so 1900s.

The opening backdrop looks really classy – well done set crew.

You know, I knew that Tom Hanks was going to say “Cinematography” after he said the first award was going to be for those who make the movies look the way they do, but do I really KNOW what cinematography is? Heck no. I bet less than 2% of those watching actually know what it is. But you know who does…Robert Richardson. Way to go Robert. This part of the blog is for you.

Hugo is EN FUEGO right now! That’s two for two.

The lovely Penelope Cruz wanna be lookalike behind Tom Hanks just looked lost. No one could gesture in front of a crowd full of stars more awkwardly. Someone give her an Razzy for worst hot stage chick.

Meryl Streep = overrated.

Moving right along.

Hello Jennifer Lopez’s cleavage and Cameron Diaz’s botoxed cheeks. Between the dress nipple tape on Jennifer’s dress and the botox, there’s little real non-joint related movement on the stage right now. I’m busier worrying about these two 40 somethings (ok, Diaz is 39 but it feels like she is a 40-something) than whatever award they just gave. Someone needs to find J-Lo’s tricep patches from her dress, they’ve gone missing. I don’t know who won but I know it wasn’t Hugo. There goes the longest winning streak of the night so far.

Did we just have back-to-back Marks winning? We’ve tied the winning streak! Two for the movie Hugo. Two for guys named Mark. Let’s see if we can get to three!

Gwyneth Paltrow gets some face time…..and needs more face time. Let’s not worry about most of the rest of the crowd. Put the camera on Gwyneth. I know, I know, she named her kid Apple. It didn’t start a trend. I don’t hear about a lot of Oranges or Pomegranates pulled out of wombs. But there would be no complaints if there was more Gwyneth face time. Classy hot.

Who wants to bet that “A Separation” won foreign language film because the US government intervened and contacted the Academy? Hey Ahmadinejad, our Academy just gave your country’s film an award, how about you pull the plug on those nukes? I’m serious, there’s probably more than 50% of politicians who thought – that’s a great idea!

Oh please Christian Bale cuss out the women in a supporting role. Please.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPY1bUpCgMA (not suitable for children – really, it’s not)

Who is with George Clooney tonight? Holy cow. OHHHH, it’s Stacy Keibler. Well of course holy cow. She definitely nailed her first Oscar outfit. The betting doesn’t need to be whether or not she can do it again…it’s whether or not she’ll be there with George again.

Bradley Cooper must have lost a bet with that ‘stache. That, or he is getting paid a few million to play a role in a movie that requires his character to remain in “sex offender” face full-time.

Apparently the guys who just won for Film Editing won last year (for The Social Network, great movie). They have a REAL streak going, not just one created on here. No one knew they were back-to-back winners until the magic ceiling voice lady told them, but hey, congratulations! Look forward to seeing you again in 2013. If I’m a filmmaker this year and I don’t have a Film Editing crew, I’m going to get those guys. Shoot, I’d probably trade my supporting actor and a stagehand to be named for those guys.

More HUGO!!!!! That’s at least three (let’s be honest, at this point I am not really tracking winners, I’m just focusing on miscellaneous commentary).

We really need to get Bradley Cooper’s mustache off the stage. Three awards is too long. Martin Scorsese is getting nervous with that little girl sitting next to him. Martin’s too old to fight off the ‘stache.

Hugo…..AGAIN!! Does anyone know what this movie is about? I’m live Googling this. Thanks to IMBD.com we have the following:
“Set in 1930s Paris, an orphan who lives in the walls of a train station is wrapped up in a mystery involving his late father and an automaton.”

Not sure that’s getting me to run to the Imax 3D theatre, but if it shows up on TNT in 16 months, I’ll probably stick with it for awhile.

Muppets! Yes! Love, love, love Muppets.

Brian Grazer, you win at life. Pulling off the Cirque du Soleil production within the Academy Awards, touche. That was standing O worthy.

There’s more Gwyenth! Someone was listening. Classy hot. Still. See. This is perfect, she’s on stage with Robert Downey Jr. I was just watching the two of them together in Iron Man last night. RDJ’s drug induced disappearance should be referred to as “the lost years.” Hollywood was so far worse without him. Please someone keep this guy sober.

Just because “Undefeated” was about football didn’t mean the Academy and Brian Grazer wanted an entire football team on stage. What’s up with 6 guys up there? Ohhhh, “Documentary!” That’s all you need to yell. I’m trying that when I’m doing something probably over the edge from now on “Documentary!”

Yep, it works. Writing an insanely too long post about the Oscars? “Documentary!”

I wonder if Chris Rock is just trying to prove he can still grow hair. Does he have on a clip on bow tie? There’s way too much gap between tie and top button. I’m betting clip-on. If you’re going to go on national TV with a bow tie, you NEED, NEED to make sure someone ties it. You can’t wear a clip-on.

I want a video game that let’s fighting animated characters fight each other. Kung Fu Panda vs. Puss n Boots. Just like Mortal Kombat, but with animated characters. Ok, this has to be a crazy upset. Rango? All I heard was Puss n Boots. Rango winning feels like Richmond winning as a 15 seed.

I’ll say one thing (ok, ok, I’ve said more than one, but another thing), the guy who just accepted for Rango (by the way, who chooses who gets to actually get the Oscar for a movie in a category like that – does someone then place an order for everyone else associated with the film to get their Oscars or does that guy get the only one?), so the guy from Rango nailed his acceptance speech. It was quick, did not challenge the TV truck for time or the background music guy sitting in Row N Seat 32 who flips the switch when people talk to long. It was sweet, coherent and thanked all the right people. Give that man an Oscar!

Annnnnd, Emma Stone is drunk (or just acting, but boy does she do drunk well). I don’t know if Ben Stiller spent too much time in the tanning bed or he’s just that orange when standing next to Emma Stone. His skin matches her hair! That’s why they paired them together. Good idea people.

Visual effects might be the toughest category this year. Wow! These movies are incredible and tough to pick between. Transformers or Harry Potter for me. NOPE! It’s HUGO!!!! Shoulda known. I guess being a kid (Tranformers) or a big kid (Harry Potter) doesn’t help. You gotta get Scorsese’d!

Even my father just sent me a bbm that said “Ok enough Hugo!” Dad, I’m with you.

Christopher Plummer, take a bow. 82 and winning an Oscar. There are plenty who are happy to be watching the Oscars, let alone winning them, at 82. And a great, multi-lingual speech. This man just nailed his moment in the spotlight. He didn’t even get music’d. And if he would have, the theatre should have booed. You don’t music an 82 year old man winning an Oscar.

Billly Crystal is good. Really good at what he’s doing. Great line about the head of the Academy “whipping the crowd into a frenzy.” Laughed out loud.

Finally a nomination for “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy”, which was playing in St. Andrew’s, Scotland in the theatre next to the one I was in back in September. Let’s re-phrase that, the theatre I wanted to be in. Why? Because I was in “Friends with Benefits” with my parents. Funny movie, laughed a lot, but not one you want to be sitting next to your mom for. Oh well, she chose the movie that night. Still haven’t seen TTSS.

Will and Zach, thank you. You make me laugh out loud. More cymbal!

And a Kiwi (Bret McKenzie) takes home an Oscar. Somewhere my friends OB, Brendan and Will are smiling.

Holy slit! Looks at Angelina’s leg.

Hugo lost a second category. I gotta tell ya, I was rooting for Moneyball and not because it was a baseball movie or I…wait a second, is that Rick Santorum on stage? One of these guys from “The Descendants” looks like a young Santorum.

So back to Moneyball, it isn’t because it is a baseball movie but because Sorkin was a stud with the TV show The West Wing (and then with The Social Network last year). The man has talent. Let’s hope he stays off the blow and continues to crank out great work.

Hey Woody, thanks for showing up! What the heck, is Woody Allen too good for the Oscars now?

Two-hour brain break – time to pound some Cadbury Mini Eggs. Not the newly discovered US sold ones but the originals right out of the mother country, England, given to me as a birthday present from the ones who know me best back across the pond.

Nice to see The Shore win for a pair of Northern Irelanders. Makes up for Rory McIlroy laying an egg on the front nine of Dove National earlier today.

Love the “Scorsese” drinking game.

Scorsese cannot like the outcome of Best Director. Big loss.

Once again, Meryl Streep = Overrated. And her choice of dress proves why. I’m going Joan Rivers here – that dress is brutal. Meryl, talk to Gwyneth (shoot, talk to Sandra Bullock).

Two and a half hours. My blog motor is running out. I just had to go find other topics to keep me going. Got a postgame write-up of the NBA All-Star game. Saw LeBron through a pass to the other team with a chance to win the game. Shocker.

Noticed Billy went black tie at some point (probably a LONG time ago). Nice 3-piece Billy.

Ahh, the dead industry montage. Ok, is that really that girl’s hair? C’mon, there’s no way, right? I’m talking about the woman singing “What a wonderful world” in a classy white dress, the great voice and a MASSIVE 14 inches in all directors afro”.

God bless you, Colombo!

And apparently the afro belonged to Esperanza Spalding.

Hello, hello, hello, Natalie Portman. Born in Jerusalem. Jesus Christ, died in Jerusalem. Coincidence? Or handoff of greatness? To think if I would have applied to and gone to Harvard we would have spent time on campus at the same time. And probably met.

Brad Pitt nominated for Best Actor for Moneyball. I think the Moneyball concept really needs its own blog. There’s was a little something left out of the movie called “pitching.”

Hugo cleaned up what we won’t remember. The Artist is cleaning up what we will remember. Best Director, Best Actor.

Wow, emotional yelling from Jean Dujardin. I think the Oscars needs more yelling.

Hahahah, what’s going on in the music booth right now? The guy singing with his eyes closed just brought out the best in unintended humor this evening.

Well count me disenchanted with Meryl winning Best Actress. More unnecessary airtime for an awful dress.

I would have loved to have seen Michelle Williams win – from Dawson’s Creek to the Academy Awards. I’ll never see her and not think “Jen Lindley.” Even a Rooney Mara win. I wonder if the owners of the Giants would have been prouder of winning the Super Bowl at the beginning of February or getting the Best Actress Oscar to put in The Meadowlands trophy case (or would the Steelers want it). Shoot, she’s the granddaughter of the Rooneys (owners of the Steelers) and the Maras (owners of the Giants). Not kidding. That’s why she got the name Rooney Mara. Not a stage name.

Meryl = overrated AND overdramatic. Way to pat yourself on your back, Meryl.

And on to Best Picture. Hopefully that’s all we’ll have to see of Meryl tonight.

Nine best picture nominees. Nine. The increase from five is a joke. This is like curving the SATs. Or collegiate grade inflation. You get 4 more films this year that can slap “Nominated for Best Picture” on its DVD or Blue-Ray (yeah, I don’t own any, but I recognize the market) box and increase sales because of the nomination. Get it back to 5 academy. There’s no reason to make it 9. This is like parents who refuse to tell their kids they can’t spell and that “skool” phonetically is great but that it’s wrong. Four films deserve being told, sorryl, you didn’t make the cut.

So a film that ignores the ability to use “in living color” or “sound” gets Best Picture. Is this the “Academy Retro Awards”? I probably won’t watch this film, and it may be great, but haven’t we moved beyond

Wait, was that just a Roman Polanski shout-out? Did the producer of The Artist just say “I admired a scandalous producer who isn’t allowed in the country?”

Overall, this was a really well made Oscar evening. Great transitions (the actor/actress interviewers were solid), great hosting by Billy Crystal, great, classy sets, but a bust for big memorable awards.

Goodnight everybody!